its 4:11AM.
they all went to bed.
ive been thinking of things all day.. 
i didnt want to bother you too much earlier. i know you were busy.
so i wrote this so that you could read it later when you had time

do we need a cure?
maybe we can just quit.. just forget what you do. forget the people you 
know. not suicide.. just walking away from your whole life. NOW.

why not? because they love you? because you love them? because
youre afraid to be alone? because you wont get the money and 
the car and the girl/guy and the house? the fufillment of following 
through a lifes worth of hard work doing the single job youve 
chosen to specialize at? why cant we just get up and disappear 
one day?  

what do you do when everything that you know means nothing?

keep trying to grab onto this one reason to live.
keep trying to understand a dream i know has no meaning
putting together random facts, words and statements looking
for some universal pattern. some concept that everyone else 
was born with but i have to learn.. somehow.. the hard way.
if i cry during a movie at the part where the director wanted
me to cry.. then are those tears even real? all the hundreds of
people who worked on that film knew i was supposed to cry at
that moment, so how can that be authentic? 
so do i stare at the truth and burn in its honesty
or do i just find happiness in a blind lie?

i keep hoping i'll wake up one day and i'll suddenly know
some cosmic truth. like a scalding shower suddenly switched cold.
i keep hoping that something will happen that will let me know 
the next piece of the puzzle. maybe someone in my family will
die and then i'll know what to do next. it'll be all cleared up
once my tears dry and im on my way home from the movie 
i'll know the whole plot then, and i'll know what comes next.
what if there is no truth? nothing to believe in?
what if we are all just here? and when you die thats it.
will it really matter what you did when you were here?
does it matter if you did well? if people hated you or liked you?
or if if you were happy or sad? 

if two people are in a room. just sitting there.
why do they have to react to eachother?
why do we talk to eachother?
kill eachother
love eachother?
we used to pray that we would be hit by a car.
injured.. deformed.. disabled somehow so that we could say 
i dont care.. i cant make myself care.. i cant get out of this
bed and shut the door.. so i'll sit here and listen to you screaming
at me. sweating under this blanket til i rot right through the frame 
and into the floor. its summer and lovers are with one another, 
smiling and laughing, content with one another so nothing else matters.
expression? communication? survival instinct?
who cares. he says. i love you. she says. sigh. they say.

i'll try to call you tomorrow..